Imagine, if you will, a simple armadillo. Are you not frightened already? Of course not; after all, armadillos are very tiny animals and don’t attack humans. Except in the case of the infamous Armadillo Incident of 1993. What’s that you say? You’ve never heard of the infamous Armadillo Incident of 1993? Well then, allow me to tell you the tale…
March 21st, 1993 was a normal day for Jim Simmons. Jim was a paleontologist who had been born in the United States, was exactly five feet tall, had blue eyes, and short, blond hair. He eventually moved to South America because of his obsession over the dinosaur known as Armadillous Maximus. There was news of possible Armadillous Maximus remains to be found in this region of the world, so of course Jim had to be there. Folklore from ancient times had been passed through generations of people. These legends spoke of a massive armadillo taller than the trees. However, man had been able to defeat these monsters by tearing off their easily separated limbs, thus, crippling them.
That fateful March morning, Jim drove out on his jeep to the middle of nowhere to begin his search for the legendary beast. After his jeep ran out of gas, (he had brought another two fully loaded gas tanks with him for the ride back) he leaped out and started digging. For many hours he dug, sometimes disregarding the hole he was working on and starting a new one. When the day had almost gone, and Jim was growing weary, his shovel hit something large that made a “clunk” noise. (Because obviously bones make “clunking” noises when hit with a shovel.) Suddenly finding new strength, Jim began digging like a crazy person. (Crazy people can dig very fast apparently.) After half an hour of digging around the massive object, Jim finally pulled out a five-foot long bone. While this didn’t seem worth an entire day’s work, Jim found glee in knowing he possessed a bone of something obviously enormous, for the bone he held was clearly part of a leg that at least five feet long.
As Jim began climbing out of the hole, he noticed that he had actually made a giant, circular crater about sixty feet deep and eighty feet across. (One man clearly holds the ability to do such a thing by himself in one day.) When he had climbed half way up the crater, he could suddenly feel the ground shaking. He looked down and noticed the dirt moving in such a way that made it look like something massive was about to come clawing out of the ground. Almost as if Jim had seen into the future, a giant head poked out of the ground, quickly followed by an entire body. Clearly, this thing that had revealed itself was an armadillo. But not just any armadillo; this armadillo was so huge that the top of its shell was almost at the same level as the spot Jim had stopped to look upon this gargantuan beast. With a strange mix of excitement and fear, Jim realized this was the mighty Armadillous Maximus. (Bet you didn’t see that coming.)
The armadillo was missing part of its leg and noticed Jim holding a leg bone. Obviously infuriated, the creature rolled up into a ball, and began crashing into the sides of the crater, probably hoping to cause Jim to fall down. However, Jim remained perfectly calm and effortlessly climbed to the top of the chasm and hopped out. Now out of the hole, Jim stared back into the pit, gazing upon this majestic being and contemplating his next course of action. This moment of awkward tension between the armadillo and Jim was quickly broken when the armadillo jumped one hundred feet in the air (normal armadillos have a three to four foot vertical, so I figured a giant one should be able to jump over buildings) and squashed Jim’s entire body.
That is the infamous Armadillo Incident of 1993. No one knows where this killer armadillo is, but there is a bounty of $500,000 for anyone who can successfully bring in all four limbs of this monster as well as a picture of it rolling around like a stupid turtle who doesn’t have arms or legs. Hopefully, this has convinced you that the giant armadillo is the scariest animal ever. If not, then you clearly haven’t witnessed a giant armadillo before.
My name is Ryan. I am a sophomore. Read my story and like it. Please.