I don’t consider baseball a sport. I’m sorry (I’m really not), but I think baseball is better classified as more of a hobby. I won’t deny that baseball has its place as America’s pastime, but to be fair, so does building model airplanes. Don’t get me wrong, I follow baseball to a certain degree. I know the names of all the teams in MLB and I know the players that play for them. I played organized baseball for six years, and my shining moment was throwing a perfect inning – I stuck out all three batters I faced on a total of nine pitches. Although I may or may not have struck out hitting off of a tee in teeball (all footage of my teeball career has mysteriously been erased, leaving my mom quite irate and vowing to never let my dad touch the camera again), I was decent. I was never much of a star, but back in the day, I was a solid contact-hitter. See, I even know my baseball lingo, so it’s not like I don’t know anything about baseball. Although I had some good times playing baseball, at the end of the day, I just couldn’t deny it to myself anymore: Baseball is the single most boring thing ever invented.
To sum it up, it is a “sport” played by fat men who have staring contests with tall lanky men standing on a mound of dirt in the middle of the field, while the tall lanky men make tiny, almost imperceivable, head nods signaling whether or not they are going to throw the ball in the next five minutes, while an older fat man chewing gum touches his ears and nose repeatedly in some sort of god-forsakenly prolonged game of Simon Says, riveting fans with an indecisiveness perhaps better suited for purgatory, which may or may not be a baseball game, now that I think about it. To quote Mr. Menashe, Dear Father! This should not be America’s game! I mean, if I’m going to consider something as being our country’s national sport, can it at least be a little exciting. Please, just a little running from time to time would be nice.
Baseball doesn’t have to be demoted to a hobby; lots of people might disagree with my opinion that baseball is not a sport. Incidentally, lots of people might disagree with my opinion that global warming is real. Even more incidentally, those people are idiots. We can argue til the pitcher finally thows the damn ball, but at the end of the day, I quit baseball when I was eight for three reasons: 1. Lacrosse seemed more appealing at the time; 2. I don’t like sports that involve me sitting around doing nothing for two hours; 3. I learned that there weren’t going to be any more juice boxes and fruit roll ups after every game. There are less children playing little league baseball today than when baseball was invented, which is even more interesting because as a whole, the American people have never been more interested in sports. As the NFL continues to gain popularity despite the best efforts of Ray Rice, MLB is in danger of becoming little more than an afterthought in more people’s minds than just mine. In a time when sports are constantly evolving and improving, baseball just can’t seem to figure out how to make baseball more interesting. And no, steroids don’t count.